One person thought my decision not to shave was that not that big of a deal, and I agreed that it should not be a big deal to others as well. However, they still tried to make me feel as though yeah whatever, it's not important. And maybe they were right...

But it does become important when you live alone with this man that you are used to have touching you and finding you attractive. And maybe I should not care anymore, considering, but I do. I am disgusting now. My hair IS offensive apparently. What the fuck ever. I went up to my bath and sat there in my tub holding my razor, crying. I was going to shave my own legs to make SOMEONE ELSE MORE COMFORTABLE which would in the end, make me feel better. Or at least so I thought. But as I sat there and cried, it dawned on me how important this really was. I was about to go out of my way and shave my legs to make HIM more comfortable so that HE would find me attractive again and would pay more attention to me. I am lonely and I guess I was going to go back to shaving just to make him want to be near me again so that I would have someone to talk to. I thought, "Hey well if I shave, it's really no big deal it's only hair and then he'll be more attracted to me, he'll pay attention to me and then it'll be better. Why make such a big fuss and hurt yourself over something as silly as shaving?".

he can't even touch me at all anymore if the hair on my legs is showing. He will avert his eyes if it's in view and pretend it's not there. When I seriously asked him just to touch my leg and show me it's not revolting to him, he laughed it off and adamantly refused. I told him this hurts me. He doesn't care. He finds it just "kinda wrong" and "unusual". I guess that I am not FEMININE enough anymore without hairless shiny legs.

I threw the fucking razor across the bathroom. I now see, even for myself, that it IS more important to me than just convenience. It's about me making a decision (for no matter WHAT reason) to just be myself and accepting myself for who I am. It may not be the hair itself that presents the bigger picture, but it is the decision that I am basing these findings on.

Which brings me to a realization.. I was going to shave just to make society happier. Meaning Everett, meaning anyone else that would ever make me feel unconfortable or ugly or gross for my decision. Because in the end, it would make me happier to be accepted. Well screw that. I am not going to bow down and fucking shave just because it will make me more "acceptable" and therefore "happy". I should be able to make a minor decision like restraining from use of a razor without all this heartbreak.

I am me. I am who I am, and as a very special person always says, I can be no more than myself. And again, as I said in my previous post about this decision ... if someone has an issue with me being naturally me .. it might hurt, cause Gods know I am hurting now ... but I cannot just give in and give up because I felt intimidated about being myself.

Ok. End rant here.

I am going to go and cry some more and get all these feelings out of my system. But I do feel rather alone at the moment. I am hurt. I feel as though I am standing in a big empty room with people watching me from the outside, offering their hand or a shoulder to cry on. But no one honestly is with me. I feel so alone.